who I really am

People think I'm this nice person.
Bullshit.
My long-time friend sent me a Christmas card and I threw it in the trash, unopened.
Last year while my mind was coming apart, he would call me...and this was bad.  By the time I'd stopped shaking from the phonecall he'd hung up.  If I did not take his call, he'd bloody call over and over and over.
Several times I nearly decided to throw my phone onto the concrete and smash it.
...Then he took it as a sign of disrespect that I never called him...
I asked if I could email him...I can handle emails better.  But he doesn't like emails, no, it's gotta be these little nerve-rattling phonecalls in which he is no longer able to understand how bad I feel because he's on antipsychotics and positive thinking, and I'm feeling like I'd rather be dead all the time...
So he insists that I call him. 

I can't.  I just can't.  I'm fucking going crazy.  He can't understand how crazy I am going.  He takes it as disrespect. No.  It's that I was so very horribly off that I had NOTHING TO GIVE ANYONE.  I was struggling for my life.
He couldn't get that.  He didn't get that.  And now I don't want him for a friend anymore.
I'm an asshole. That's who I am.


....I fucking hate the holidays.   There's never any way to escape some reminder of someone I failed.

Shine

We are such fragile things
Butterflies that dance for a season
On swiftly-fading wings,
Bright fleeting flowers that bloom in the spring,
Leaves that redden to fire and fall.
The wind is ever-blowing for us all.

Yet the light blesses.

A moment ago, I was a child and laughing...
Now my heart is broken open to the wind...
I thought my love would last a lifetime!
But it sickened and came to an end.

All my dreams fell down crashing.
I am left alone and bereft...

Yet the light blessed.
When once your heart sang to mine.
And it shone in your lovely eyes,
Like the tears that now glisten in mine...
I could see it and watch how it shined!
Oh yes, oh yes, it blessed.

Farewell, my once-beloved stranger...
In the end, it shall be no matter...
Time's winds shall roll my bones to ashes,
My tough old heart will still its beating...
For I am only human, frail and fleeting...
I too shall go to ripen the grasses.
We will lie together in earth's green splendor
Never weeping...
And still the light will bless...

Copyright 2012 WB

Charlie...

Charlie was a friend of my brother's.  He was in and out of our house a lot at one point.
He was 14, with a big brain and a big mouth...and parents who doubtlessly beat him up...I think his mom may have brought boyfriends around who abused him sexually.

I once told him that if he never needed to talk about anything, I'd listen...I wanted to "adopt" him in an emotional sense.  He really didn't seem to have anybody, and I knew he was living in chaos.
I kept hearing about how he was getting wilder and wilder...getting into harder drugs.
Then I heard he'd been present at a murder, that this had somehow earned him a trip to prison.
I found out today that he'd hung himself. Just released from prison, 19, killed himself.
So random...
Some of us make it out alive and able to heal.  Some of us don't make it out of our soul-destroying families...
I'm just so very sad for that young man... I wish there was something I could have done to stop this.

she's angry

I asked her to move her computer into her bedroom...mine will be going into my bedroom this week.  Was too tired to do it for a while.

​ I heard her on the phone talking about how I not only did something, I asked her to move her computer into her room...Yeah, she was shouting at her new phone...and I started shaking like I have done every time she shouts for over a year now.  She said she was gonna do it anyway...

Why should I be terrified and hiding in my own home? 

But I am, because she triggers me. She can't afford to move out yet...and I'm going to move my computer and coffeepot into my bedroom.
Seeing her fills me with sadness and hurt.

Pretzels, a crosspost

I asked for a divorce.
I have a clear-cut indication I can't be happy. The emotional stuff might be fixed with a TON of work...the profound sexual mismatch, no, not in a million years of trying.

We're both hurting each other, bending ourselves into pretzels trying to make this work. I hurt, I hurt tons...
A friend of mine said..."You just need to be loved." I do. With her I have to do things *just right* to get crumbs of affection, crumbs of sex, I almost always feel lonely, I almost always feel not good enough.
I could not take it any more.

Last year I went through a serious amount of childhood abuse trauma coming back to me...so I'm used to my brain turning into a potato. I'm in the spud-zone again...
...Funny I keep coming up with such starchy metaphors.

I'm just going to take it easy this week and procrastinate my butt off, no apologies for this, I can barely handle work and house stuff and whatnot...well, I might get my motorbike to the shop this week (the poor thing!)

I'm just gonna make art and breathe and swap bedrooms...
Oh...I should mention divorce is gonna be really legally fun, and costly-not in ways I can talk about.

Also, she's broke right now...so I'm not making her get out. I don't hate her. I feel guilty enough about abandoning her. We've been living in my mom's old trailer-house, I am fine with sharing the rent-free goodness and continuing to split the bills. I'm going to buy her an air-conditioner for her bedroom, then we're good to go.

Jewish Christmas

My wife was horribly depressed this weekend, so was I...She has managed to hurt me so much, and I spent an hour or so crying in her arms.
I was thinking about how much I would miss our Christmas tradition...Go to a Chinese place...and all the memories we've made together, good and bad.  There's been heartbreak, but there's been a lot of goodness too. 
I am so sad...I wonder if this is because I'm detaching...
She feels...stunned.  I have told her this stuff over and over and over.  She just failed to compute until now...how much she was hurting me.
She said "Everything I thought I knew is wrong."
She feels so guilty.  I feel guilty for not stopping this sooner.
I'm not sure we can repair this.  We are going to try.

This is so hard

Okay...sorry I have not been updating...

It seems I have been staying with my wife, in part, because I was stuffing the feelings of hurt, anger, and sadness that her behavior has given me. She's almost certainly Asperger's...so all of this was out of epic cluelessness on her part.
Also failure on my part to communicate powerfully enough for her to receive the message.

The rage broke like a tsunami.

I was so outraged and upset to finally realize that her negativity towards what I did has been eating away my self-esteem. I had told her to stop it, over and over and over. She'd never been able to hear that she was HURTING me.

Too, she was shouting at me for talking to her when she wasn't ready...no matter that I would sit there in physical pain...a deep ache in my chest of loneliness... She didn't understand that by simply doing her morning routine while I sat there and waited, and waited and waited for her to talk to me, quietly, so I would not make her shout at me...was making me feel so unwanted, like a gods-damn nuisance, like my needs were just too much. And the sex is...never enough, never often enough. The talking and cuddling is never enough.

I pointed out a while back that she hugged the cat more than me...She started hugging me more...a little. Right now I feel like...I want out.
That makes me feel so shitty, because she really loves me, I love her. And she's trying to get better.

I feel so sad and lost.